I remember the moment when I decided having kids wasn't meant for me. It was last winter towards the end of a therapy program I was taking called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). It was an 8 week program that met 4 days a week, 3 hours per day. For the first time in my life, I had found a program and a therapist that really fit for me. One aspect of the program was called "committed action," which is basically like a goal. We were asked, "What will you do between now and when we meet again that you can commit to?" One thing- only one committed action. Sometimes each committed action was one small step closer to a larger goal. I decided my larger goal was to play the double bass again. I quit when I was 16 at a time in my life when I was really struggling with anxiety and depression and experienced my first hospitalization due to an intentional overdose. For a long time I felt like that was the time that I stopped living. I've never really felt like I ever recovered. All my interests disappeared when I was in high school, and I still mourn the life I wish I could have lived if mental illness was not in my life. Playing the bass again would be one step closer to claiming my life back and living fully. So each day I committed to one more piece of the puzzle to playing bass again. I had to contact my old teacher and research bass rentals. I always thought returning back to my previous passions would be so hard and impossible. It really wasn't! I wish I had done it sooner! My lesson every week became something I look forward to and brought me joy. It's now a year later and I'm still going strong! I went back to doing something I love after a 15 year break. It's never too late!
The empowerment and happiness I felt from achieving this one goal was awesome. I am only just beginning this journey of doing things for myself. I don't want to sacrifice that for children. I want to realize more my dreams. Another of my passions is writing. Starting this blog gave me that opportunity to do that again. I'm on a roll! Who I am got lost in a sea of blackness for so long. I can't allow myself to drown again. I wonder what else is in store for me. I can't wait to find out!
I haven't totally accepted that I won't have kids, though. There is definitely a period of mourning. It's an experience that I'll never have. I wonder what being pregnant would feel like, or giving birth, or breast feeding. There are a lifetime of events I will never enjoy: graduations, weddings, being a grandmother. Am I missing out? Will I have a less fulfilled life? Under different circumstances, maybe I could have been ready, but I'm not. Part of me feels ashamed of myself for admitting that I am emotionally and mentally incapable of being a mother. Does that make me less of a person? Do I have it so much easier and carefree not being tied down? Am I inferior? My "wise mind" tells me I am no less than anyone else, but it hasn't totally been absorbed into how I feel.
There are also some feelings of guilt. I have friends that are trying so hard to have children and here I am wasting a perfectly good batch of eggs. It's just not fair! I wish I could put my ovaries in a gift box with a bow and hand it to someone who desperately wants a baby. It's also hard to relate to most people, because not having kids is definitely the minority. People talk about their kids all the time and trade tips and tricks with each other on parenting. I have nothing to contribute, and frankly, sometimes I just don't care about that stuff! I'm constantly wondering if there are other people out there that are in the same boat as me and wish that I could find them to be my friends. I have the freedom to do anything I want at the drop of a hat without having to consider who will be taking care of the kids. I know there are a lot of childless-by-choice people out there that actually love kids and relish spending time with them. I can't say I'm one of them. I am generally uncomfortable around kids and get easily stressed out and annoyed by the chaos and volume. I'm not a complete ogre, though. I hang out with my friends' kids, and I understand that being their friend means also accepting their children. I've even been known to babysit now and again.
I am a very nostalgic person which conflicts greatly with a lack of children. What will happen to my wedding ring when I die? What about my grandmother's Pfalzgraff dishes? Will our family scrapbooks get thrown away? All these things mean so much to me, and nothing to anyone else. I have no one to entrust these valuables to. I'm definitely having to change my ideas about "things." Things are just things. They are nothing compared to people and relationships. Would I rather have a life worth living, or offspring to be curator of my collection of stuff?
I think most of us can admit the world isn't such a beautiful place. I look around me and I see corrupt politics, regular school shootings, racism, war, cancer, and so much more. My heart breaks for what humanity has become, and I fear for the future of my country. I can't in good conscience bring an innocent being into this world. I have no faith that it would do them right. I would rather shower love and acceptance and influence onto the people in my life. Maybe I can leave it a little brighter than when I came into it. The immense pain that mental illness has brought to my life is nothing I would wish upon my offspring. The risk of planting that seed in a child of mine is too great a risk.
I went into my marriage with having children being a given. Maybe I thought it would make me happier or give me a purpose, as if a child would be the remedy for the deep hollow in my chest. Many marriages end because one spouse wants kids and the other doesn't. My husband loves kids. He would jump at the chance to have his own. In both his career and in his volunteering, he chooses to spend it with children. But he tells me that he married me. He didn't marry the kids that I may or may not have. He gets his "kid fix" in a different way, and he does not feel like his life is lacking in any way because of that.
There is also a practical reason for not having kids. We are broke! Mortgage, car payments, utilities, medical bills, school loans. I honestly don't know how people can afford to pay for another human being, or two, or three, or more! Bills already stress me out. I don't want to add more costs to my life than there already are. Seriously- it's like my whole paycheck would just be dumped into daycare, anyway. What's the point in that? Might as well just stay home with the kid! Oh wait- can't afford that, either!
So, maybe you have kids. That's great. Maybe you don't. That's just as awesome. Each person is unique in their desires and each road is valid and fulfilling. There is more than one path- just be sure you are happy with the one you choose. It might even be living childless-by-choice, the ever growing lifestyle option. Hey, I still have another good decade of fertility. I may change my mind yet!
P.S. Ranger is the dog!
