For the first time in a long time, I want to live. Now, I didn't say anything before, because I wasn't sure if this was a fluke or not. My emotions can be a bit volatile. I'm pretty mind blown that I find myself in this situation. I never would have believed it was possible if I wasn't living in it right now. My therapist told me there would be a time that I wouldn't see her anymore. I thought she was totally bogus. Not happening. There is no way I could get to that point. But I did. Somehow a few months have passed since I've met with my therapist, and I don't feel like I need to. And here I am, looking forward to my days.
So, what changed? I would say the biggest leap I've taken is that I finally found a job I absolutely love, that pays the bills and more, and that fits my personality. It has been a complete game changer. When my last x-ray job didn't work out a few years ago, I turned that blame inward; I felt like something was wrong with ME. I felt ashamed of myself when I would see my friends from college successfully living out the career I somehow failed at. I felt like I was less of a person than them, and I could barely look them in the eye. I felt like a complete failure and that I was worth nothing. I looked at all my past accomplishments- my 4.0 GPA, my graduation speech, nailing a job right out of the gate, and I diminished everything I had ever achieved. I looked behind me and saw someone who was successful and had so much potential, and I felt like I lost it all. I was nothing. I let everyone down.
I've gone on many mental health journeys over my lifetime through depression and anxiety and pills and therapy and hospitals. This journey- this chapter- was three years long. Maybe you look at that and think, "Holy shit, that is a long time to wallow in a pool of sadness and stress and a lack of self worth." If you are struggling under your own black cloud right now, it might seem impossible to visualize yourself requiring YEARS to finally see the light at the end of a tunnel. It seems hopeless. I won't lie- it's hard, it's time consuming, and there are no promises.
What didn't work out about that job 3 years ago was that it didn't jive with my personality. I felt isolated, alone, and bored. I didn't know other people at the clinics I worked at, and nobody knew me. That environment ate away at me. I thought I HAD to fit myself into this job, otherwise something must be wrong with me. I would not allow myself to think that I had the right to feel like I needed a different work environment better suited to my personality. I thought I had to take what I could get in a job, no matter what. I thought it would be selfish to want anything different. And all this time it wasn't me that was flawed, it was the job. Gee, wish I would have figured that out long ago! Would have saved me some time!
This roundabout journey took me on some detours that I believe really helped me get to where I am now. When I became unemployed, going back to my old retail job was just what I needed at that time in my life. It was difficult at first. I spent six months on unemployment adamantly opposed to returning to my previous job. I felt like it was a step backwards for me. I felt like going back to that would be settling, giving up, admitting defeat. I had worked too hard, invested too much time, racked up too many student loans just to give it all up. Once I started working there, though, it immediately brightened my affect. I was part of a community of coworkers that were close knit and supportive. It made my soul happy. And then weeks turned into months which turned into years. I became complacent. A tiny part deep inside of me knew that I needed to get kicked out of the nest and spread my wings again. This season of my life was needed to change. I never had the guts to do it on my own- it took getting laid off to force me to make the career leap I needed.
It's weird to say that I am so glad I lost my job- both jobs, in fact. I am happy these bad things happened. At the time, I couldn't imagine going on with my life or seeing any future for myself. Yet here I am. So many morsels of skills, inspiration, therapy, tricks, thoughts, and so much more have helped me along through all these years living with mental illness. My hope is that, moving forward, I am able to pass those golden nuggets on to other people who are struggling. How that's going to happen? I haven't a clue! But I've got life by the horns and I'm ready to see where this rodeo will take me next.
