Don't be a Victim of the Holidays

I'll be the first to admit that the holidays stress me out. Coming into November this year, my depression and anxiety went through the roof. Just the anticipation of the holidays being around the corner freaked me out. And since I had been doing relatively well over the summer, I didn't have any standing appointments with my therapist or psych nurse. Oops! Anyone that has had a taste of the mental health scene knows that getting in ASAP is comically unrealistic. Too bad I can't anticipate the downfall of my mental stability at least three weeks in advance. So that's my first bit of advice- if you see a therapist or have meds monitored for your mental health, always have that just-in-case appointment on your calendar. You'd be better off not needing it than being stuck in a crisis with no one to turn to. Here are some other bits of advice to make sure your holiday season goes off without a hitch:

Allow room to feel all those yucky feelings. It's okay if you are stressed, sad, disappointed, mourning, irate, irritable, or whatever else you are unhappily overflowing with. Give yourself permission to let all that out- Preferably not to the minimum wage seasonal employee at your local retailer. Try a more healthy venue to vent- a trusted friend or relative, a journal, have a good cry, scream in the privacy of your own house, throw light weight unbreakable objects (I guess tables, chairs, and valuable advent displays would probably not be a healthy option. Been there, done that.). Lay off the booze if you are in an emotional state, don't get behind the wheel of a car if you are a blubbering mess. Let's stay safe here, people!

Self care is always most important. This is a no-brainer. It's been drilled into your noggin since the beginning of time. You need to get enough sleep, eat well (yeah right, you won't get me to eat vegetables unless a wreath cookie counts!), and get your groove on to get moving so you have lots of happy chemicals flowing through your brain. When I need some "me" time to chillax, I listen to some meditation music, crank on the aromatherapy difuser, and do a quiet activity like reading, a puzzle, coloring, or a sticker-by-number book (it's the next "big thing," trust me!). If I'm at someone else's house, I don't hesitate to step away for a break now and again. Sometimes with crowds or people I don't know well, it can get overwhelming and suffocating, so I try to have an "escape plan" in those situations. It could be going for a walk or slipping into a guest bedroom for a while.

Change your expectations. Lines will be long, packages will get lost, planes will be delayed, crappy weather will happen, the coolest gift ever will be sold out, people will get sick, recipes will get burnt or taste disgusting, your dog will eat a whole bag of dark chocolate Kisses (yeahhhh, that has also happened), the car won't start, and your furnace will break. So why would you expect any differently? You'll experience a heck of a lot less misery if you just roll with what is. But, at the same time, go back to the top there and "allow room" to feel the feelings that come when things don't go your way. I learned this lesson best with a dear friend of mine who was notoriously late to everything. It drove me nuts! I like to have a plan and stick to it. I was constantly miserable! Yet I lead myself to believe that it was all my friend's fault. Wrong-o! It was my own stinking fault! I refused to accept my friend for who she was and kept hoping she would change. Once I started accepting lateness as an expected component of our relationship, I felt a heck of a lot better.

Own your decisions. This is a great piece of advice I learned from my therapist. I was constantly feeling like a victim of stuff I "had" to do. One of which was the times that my mother-in-law wanted the whole family to go to church together for holidays. When I did go, I hated it. I was cranky, I didn't want to be there, I was bored, I didn't share a lot of the (in my opinion) archaic beliefs, and (let's be honest) I wanted to sleep in! I allowed myself to believe that how I felt was my mother-in-law's doing. She was "making" me go after all! No sirree! I made the decision to go to church with everyone. That was my choice. My therapist said that I needed to weigh the pros and cons of going and not going, then from there I needed to make my own choice and live with it. Own it. So I did, and it was freeing to think of it in a different light. So the next time you think you "have" to go to a Christmas party or a church service or a charity event or gift shopping, take a moment to weigh whether you really want to do it or not. If you decide to go through with it, then have a good attitude about it- you decided to do it, not anyone else. And also on the flip side, if there is something you decide you don't want to do, then don't feel obligated to offer any sort of justification. Do what's right for you.

Let go of tradition. I like things a certain way, and it's nice if things stay constant. Isn't that what makes holidays so special? There is the candlelight Christmas-Eve evening service, spending time with your family, the decorations, the baking, and all the other things that happen every year that we've come to expect. The first time a wrench was ever thrown into tradition was the year my sister didn't give me a Valentine's Day gift. She doesn't remember it one bit, but I was heartbroken and in tears. My mom told her and she ended up getting me a gift. In retrospect, like a decade late now, I find my reaction rather humorous. More recently, my sister and wife moved several hours away and we had our first Christmas without them. The distance between us along with unpredictable winter weather was going to make doing holidays a permanent change in the norm. I was devastated. I had to rethink what was important to me and what made the holidays special (I would also like to note that they "owned" their decision to stay put for the holidays that year. So props to that.). It took some adjustment, but now I've gotten used to the idea and have even seen the good in the situation.

This year a wrench is also being thrown into Christmas tradition by spending it out of town, somewhere I've never been before, stuck in a house full of in-laws. No, it's really not that bad. Haha My husband's family is super awesome and kind and generous and fun, but the idea of doing something different still has me on edge. My immediate concern was Christmas Eve- I would be spending most of it in an airport, on an airplane, or in a car. FUN! What about my Christmas Eve candlelight service? Christmas Eve would be wasted traveling all day! Ugh! Here I go again, making a victim of myself. So here comes the pros and cons list that needs to play out, then the decision that yes, I am going on this trip of my own free will and no one is "making" me. The next step is "changing my expectations." Christmas won't be the same this year, so how can I roll with it instead of being a victim of it? Well, for one, I am going to think of "Christmas Eve travel day" as a spectacular opportunity to read lots of awesome books, spend a whole day with some pretty cool people, see what cool shops and food the airport has to offer, listen to my iPod, and whatever else I can think up that's fun to pass the time. I am just going to plan on spending hours waiting in the airport, plan that there could probably be some crappy weather delays, plan that parking will be a nightmare, and by not expecting everything to be perfect, it will reduce that suffering. Maybe I'll even have a good time!

I hope some of these ideas will help you out in the midst of the holiday season right now. Also, I can't talk about the holidays and not plug my support of mental health. Something near and dear to my heart, as many of you well know, is the work that NAMI does for the mental health community and their support of the family and friends who love those struggling with mental illness. During the holidays, oodles of people will be spending it in a psychiatric unit at a hospital for any number of reasons including but not limited to suicidal thinking, medication monitoring, or addiction. I have spent time in the hospital during holidays before and it really does suck. During any nationally recognized holiday or weekend, hospitals tend to stand still. The regular resources available during weekdays and non-holidays are meager. And for patients on a required "hold" (being legally required to stay at the hospital for their own safety, such as after a suicide attempt), time seems to stand still as weekends and holidays don't "count" in the required time of stay. Something that NAMI does in my area (here in Minnesota, so go check your local chapter if you're not from 'round here) is host a holiday gift drive for both children and adults who are being cared for in psychiatric units over the holidays. It is a little slice of the population that we tend to not really think about as needing a little holiday cheer in an otherwise unpleasant situation. Visit the link below for more information, and remember that safety is very important in your gift selections as patients can potentially harm themselves with anything sharp or stringy in nature.

http://www.namihelps.org/nami-holiday-gift-drive-2017-suggested-gifts.html

Merry Christmas!

"In Recovery"?

After graduating my DBT group in August, I've spent the past four months trying to define that term- What does it mean to be "In Recovery"? I thought I would have some profound blog to wrap up my two-decade long journey through the mental health system and coming out the other end a new and improved person. Although (in some ways) I am certainly a new and improved person, my journey is anything but over. I wish there were more clear parameters. I mean, am I ever really "cured" of depression and anxiety? It's all something we will experience to some degree or another in our lives. So where is that line between a "normal" amount of depression and anxiety and a severe amount? I don't think there are actually answers to those questions. Perhaps the answers vary from one person to another. I hate how vague mental health is. You either have cancer or you don't; you have a broken limb or you don't. Maybe it's a spectrum, like autism, myself being a point on a line that's moving to the more functional end of that spectrum over time. Who knows.

I still have many struggles that I face everyday in a battle between myself and my annoying brain. I still cry quite a bit. I still feel like a lost balloon floating through the atmosphere with no direction or purpose. I still feel like a very intelligent, wise, and talented person trapped in a being that won't allow those traits to shine. I've still missed two days of work since my graduation, a combination of emotional pain and the coinciding physical manifestation of it. I still sleep hours longer than necessary. I'm still tired a lot. I still self medicate with an overabundance of sweets and sugary drinks. I still feel guilty that other people can do it all- the kids and the careers and the travel and the hobbies and the cooking and the cleaning- and my biggest accomplishments are not taking a nap, making dinner all by myself, or cleaning something without being asked. I kind of feel like I am not allowed to feel overwhelmed by the mundane, because I should be able to do the basics without struggle. I don't even have kids, so that should make life extra easy for me, right?

I have still met with my therapist occasionally since graduation, and when I met her last week, I cried for most of the session. I felt (and still feel) trapped in a world that doesn't make room for me. You are either held to the expectation that you can and will do it all, or you are on disability because you can't do anything. I feel like I fall somewhere in the middle- I can't do it all, but I have to so we can pay the bills and get my much needed health insurance. Maybe it's fantasy to think ONE small change would solve all (ok, a few) of my problems, but the flaw in our country that the quality and quantity of your healthcare is directly linked to your profession is a debilitating reality. It's a fact that I feel trapped by, a fact that I feel limits my options. I bet there are a lot of other people out there with long-term chronic medical issues that feel those same chains. It's a gamble- will today be the day that pesky illness roars it's nasty head? Will a few days in the hospital rack up a several thousand dollar bill that you will be shoveling out every month for years to come? It's those fears that keep me from moving forward, taking a chance, and making a change. Therapy, psychiatry, and medication are the trifecta essentially keeping me alive. I now have other "tools" to keep me afloat including all the skills I have learned through therapy and the support of my family and friends, but there is still no denying the necessity of proper medical care that goes into managing a mental illness. Even ONE day of missed medication can tip the balance in a potentially deadly way. Maybe it's a bit dramatic to say it that way, but would you really want to take that chance?

And so I feel at a crossroads- I'm at a point in my mental health journey where I think I am probably capable of more than I think I am. I want to be doing so much more. I want some change in my life. But instead of asking myself what my calling is, my passion, my heart's desire, I ask myself what I can do that will give me good health insurance. And that sucks. I hate it. I'm outgrowing this safe little life I've created, longing to burst forth and do something great. But I don't know what that is, how I will create it, or the avenue to get there.