I'll be the first to admit that the holidays stress me out. Coming into November this year, my depression and anxiety went through the roof. Just the anticipation of the holidays being around the corner freaked me out. And since I had been doing relatively well over the summer, I didn't have any standing appointments with my therapist or psych nurse. Oops! Anyone that has had a taste of the mental health scene knows that getting in ASAP is comically unrealistic. Too bad I can't anticipate the downfall of my mental stability at least three weeks in advance. So that's my first bit of advice- if you see a therapist or have meds monitored for your mental health, always have that just-in-case appointment on your calendar. You'd be better off not needing it than being stuck in a crisis with no one to turn to. Here are some other bits of advice to make sure your holiday season goes off without a hitch:
Allow room to feel all those yucky feelings. It's okay if you are stressed, sad, disappointed, mourning, irate, irritable, or whatever else you are unhappily overflowing with. Give yourself permission to let all that out- Preferably not to the minimum wage seasonal employee at your local retailer. Try a more healthy venue to vent- a trusted friend or relative, a journal, have a good cry, scream in the privacy of your own house, throw light weight unbreakable objects (I guess tables, chairs, and valuable advent displays would probably not be a healthy option. Been there, done that.). Lay off the booze if you are in an emotional state, don't get behind the wheel of a car if you are a blubbering mess. Let's stay safe here, people!
Self care is always most important. This is a no-brainer. It's been drilled into your noggin since the beginning of time. You need to get enough sleep, eat well (yeah right, you won't get me to eat vegetables unless a wreath cookie counts!), and get your groove on to get moving so you have lots of happy chemicals flowing through your brain. When I need some "me" time to chillax, I listen to some meditation music, crank on the aromatherapy difuser, and do a quiet activity like reading, a puzzle, coloring, or a sticker-by-number book (it's the next "big thing," trust me!). If I'm at someone else's house, I don't hesitate to step away for a break now and again. Sometimes with crowds or people I don't know well, it can get overwhelming and suffocating, so I try to have an "escape plan" in those situations. It could be going for a walk or slipping into a guest bedroom for a while.
Change your expectations. Lines will be long, packages will get lost, planes will be delayed, crappy weather will happen, the coolest gift ever will be sold out, people will get sick, recipes will get burnt or taste disgusting, your dog will eat a whole bag of dark chocolate Kisses (yeahhhh, that has also happened), the car won't start, and your furnace will break. So why would you expect any differently? You'll experience a heck of a lot less misery if you just roll with what is. But, at the same time, go back to the top there and "allow room" to feel the feelings that come when things don't go your way. I learned this lesson best with a dear friend of mine who was notoriously late to everything. It drove me nuts! I like to have a plan and stick to it. I was constantly miserable! Yet I lead myself to believe that it was all my friend's fault. Wrong-o! It was my own stinking fault! I refused to accept my friend for who she was and kept hoping she would change. Once I started accepting lateness as an expected component of our relationship, I felt a heck of a lot better.
Own your decisions. This is a great piece of advice I learned from my therapist. I was constantly feeling like a victim of stuff I "had" to do. One of which was the times that my mother-in-law wanted the whole family to go to church together for holidays. When I did go, I hated it. I was cranky, I didn't want to be there, I was bored, I didn't share a lot of the (in my opinion) archaic beliefs, and (let's be honest) I wanted to sleep in! I allowed myself to believe that how I felt was my mother-in-law's doing. She was "making" me go after all! No sirree! I made the decision to go to church with everyone. That was my choice. My therapist said that I needed to weigh the pros and cons of going and not going, then from there I needed to make my own choice and live with it. Own it. So I did, and it was freeing to think of it in a different light. So the next time you think you "have" to go to a Christmas party or a church service or a charity event or gift shopping, take a moment to weigh whether you really want to do it or not. If you decide to go through with it, then have a good attitude about it- you decided to do it, not anyone else. And also on the flip side, if there is something you decide you don't want to do, then don't feel obligated to offer any sort of justification. Do what's right for you.
Let go of tradition. I like things a certain way, and it's nice if things stay constant. Isn't that what makes holidays so special? There is the candlelight Christmas-Eve evening service, spending time with your family, the decorations, the baking, and all the other things that happen every year that we've come to expect. The first time a wrench was ever thrown into tradition was the year my sister didn't give me a Valentine's Day gift. She doesn't remember it one bit, but I was heartbroken and in tears. My mom told her and she ended up getting me a gift. In retrospect, like a decade late now, I find my reaction rather humorous. More recently, my sister and wife moved several hours away and we had our first Christmas without them. The distance between us along with unpredictable winter weather was going to make doing holidays a permanent change in the norm. I was devastated. I had to rethink what was important to me and what made the holidays special (I would also like to note that they "owned" their decision to stay put for the holidays that year. So props to that.). It took some adjustment, but now I've gotten used to the idea and have even seen the good in the situation.
This year a wrench is also being thrown into Christmas tradition by spending it out of town, somewhere I've never been before, stuck in a house full of in-laws. No, it's really not that bad. Haha My husband's family is super awesome and kind and generous and fun, but the idea of doing something different still has me on edge. My immediate concern was Christmas Eve- I would be spending most of it in an airport, on an airplane, or in a car. FUN! What about my Christmas Eve candlelight service? Christmas Eve would be wasted traveling all day! Ugh! Here I go again, making a victim of myself. So here comes the pros and cons list that needs to play out, then the decision that yes, I am going on this trip of my own free will and no one is "making" me. The next step is "changing my expectations." Christmas won't be the same this year, so how can I roll with it instead of being a victim of it? Well, for one, I am going to think of "Christmas Eve travel day" as a spectacular opportunity to read lots of awesome books, spend a whole day with some pretty cool people, see what cool shops and food the airport has to offer, listen to my iPod, and whatever else I can think up that's fun to pass the time. I am just going to plan on spending hours waiting in the airport, plan that there could probably be some crappy weather delays, plan that parking will be a nightmare, and by not expecting everything to be perfect, it will reduce that suffering. Maybe I'll even have a good time!
I hope some of these ideas will help you out in the midst of the holiday season right now. Also, I can't talk about the holidays and not plug my support of mental health. Something near and dear to my heart, as many of you well know, is the work that NAMI does for the mental health community and their support of the family and friends who love those struggling with mental illness. During the holidays, oodles of people will be spending it in a psychiatric unit at a hospital for any number of reasons including but not limited to suicidal thinking, medication monitoring, or addiction. I have spent time in the hospital during holidays before and it really does suck. During any nationally recognized holiday or weekend, hospitals tend to stand still. The regular resources available during weekdays and non-holidays are meager. And for patients on a required "hold" (being legally required to stay at the hospital for their own safety, such as after a suicide attempt), time seems to stand still as weekends and holidays don't "count" in the required time of stay. Something that NAMI does in my area (here in Minnesota, so go check your local chapter if you're not from 'round here) is host a holiday gift drive for both children and adults who are being cared for in psychiatric units over the holidays. It is a little slice of the population that we tend to not really think about as needing a little holiday cheer in an otherwise unpleasant situation. Visit the link below for more information, and remember that safety is very important in your gift selections as patients can potentially harm themselves with anything sharp or stringy in nature.
http://www.namihelps.org/nami-holiday-gift-drive-2017-suggested-gifts.html
Merry Christmas!
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